Why do mothers say no

Why it is so important for your child to learn to say no

One day there will be an end to: “Isn't the little one cute?” Out of the blue, the domestic peace gets its first sensitive damper. "No" - so suddenly it bursts, oh shock, out of the previously wordless child's mouth. "No!" And sometimes even before the long-awaited word of all words can be heard: "Mama!" Nothing, Mama - instead: "No!" Power games between parents and children. With this first no, the very young savages begin their own thinking too to develop one's own will first. Practice early. And no question about it, that's a good thing.

An important development step on the way to independence for the child

Often, however, it is a shock for mom and dad when their cute nappy fudge says no, that is, no longer accepts what is said to them without contradiction. Or let's just say it very clearly: disobeyed.Obedience is one of the virtues of successful upbringing, what now? But then it happens: The small upper body twists with hands and feet like a corkscrew, throws the head from left to right so that you don't have to eat the last leftovers on the plate. This is enough Defense behavior still not, then the spoon flies in a high arc with a roar and a shrill “I don't want!” through the kitchen. Or: The little feet knot so skillfully that it is impossible to put on the shoes successfully - of course with a protested, drawn-out “Nooo!” Even putting on a hat becomes a disaster, even splashing around in the bathtub is canceled due to acute refusal. Even in this early phase of life, when little heads are not even able to argue, Children defend themselves vehemently and often successfully. Her no is totally okay with her. A subconscious impulse. Psychologists recognize this as the very first important one Development step towards independence and independence.These kids can't talk much yet, but they can defend themselves very impressively.

11 rules for dealing with little naysayers

Permanent rejections then lead to the first family tearing tests after a very short time, if we parents simply ignore decisive rules in dealing with no children (as well as so-called defiant heads). It is not the little objectors, but we adults who are often the problem because we do not know how to react to naysayers. One thing is certain: No will become a companion in life with a wide variety of facets and age-related problems. Even if children the different types of no Can't distinguish at all, they have a fine antenna for how mom - mostly she is - reacts to rejection or refusal. Therefore, it can be helpful to create something like a behavior etiquette on how to tame the stubborn most successfully. Of course, we parents don't want to listen to regulations. Everything that has to be said and done is subject to an educational principle, the Graduate psychologist Daniela Hollrotter put it like this: "Children need support, orientation and security."

The following list is a collection of recognized, tested, and helpful recommendations for dealing with naysayers:

  1. Do not react immediately to every no! First wait.
  2. The no of two- to five-year-olds should not be rigorously stopped. Small children are allowed to say no because they are going through a phase in which their own will should develop. However, that does not mean that every no must be accepted without contradiction. The crystal-clear contradiction “yes” shows the children limits at an early stage: up to here, but not one step further.
  3. Always remember that the no at this age is not a targeted attack against you as a parent, but that the children just want to try each other full of curiosity and zest for action - yes, even have to when they clear the CDs from the shelf. Cleverly countered, the non-reproachful announcement is: "Come on, now let's clean it up together."
  4. Avoid reacting with threats: "If you don't stop now, then ..." Yes, then what? There is little point in unsettling children because they often feel punished. From their point of view, however, they have done nothing wrong. Instead, distractions or alternatives help to transform the no into a hopeful, smiling yes. Sweets are neither a distraction nor an alternative!
  5. Don't become naysayers yourself. The more often children hear a no, the more it loses its impact.
  6. Show your understanding for the no: "I understand you." And if there is no but, your children understand this sentence as praise and feel confirmed - which is good for self-confidence.
  7. Give in when it's justifiable. Who likes to be forced to do something that just doesn't suit them?
  8. But don't give in if the situation makes it imperative to remain adamant. Say it out loud, unequivocally, calmly, without engaging in long discussions. Children understand clear announcements mostly very quickly.
  9. Refrain from strict, unfounded or even violent orders. That only elicits one thing from the little ones: the next no and the next roar. And all of this is counterproductive.
  10. Support the development of children's will (This also includes his no), in that your answer does not always contain a prohibition. It is always better: assess and comment on the situation in a differentiated manner - so decide quickly what needs to be, should be, may or can be. Behind every ban, however, there should also be a small chance for the youngsters to find themselves.
  11. Explain which no-arguments from your kids you would accept and why others cannot be recognized. A good example is the popular "Keine Lust!" This is nothing more than a cheap excuse and is insufficient as a reason not to do something. A “I will definitely do this tomorrow” could certainly be negotiated.

Yes people are easier to care for, less strenuous - and often seem quite boring

persistence and sustainability are two crucial points of orientation for a successful and problem-free upbringing up to the teenage age. The stormy adolescents, like us parents, should know exactly how to best deal with one another. The family is and will be the best “greenhouse” in the long term to allow mutual trust to mature. Now you will wonder why we haven't said a word about that yet Yes and the yes-men have lost. There are good reasons for that. Because: Those who prefer to say yes as a child are (er) easy to care for, are less likely to rebel, are less likely to make headlines or topics of conversation at family dinner. Yes-sayers at two or three years of age are more adjusted, compared to no-sayers, less stressful and therefore also more likely to be mom's favorite: harmony, agreement, agreement, understanding, love (we all know the yes) and boundless peace - a wonderfully ideal world. Certainly in early childhood, but with later consequences that, step by step and year after year, painfully destroy the image of the ideal world.

"Saying no you have to train"

One of those steps is the first timely cutting of the umbilical cord. Letting go, getting out of mom's lap and warmth. And the best year for this is starting kindergarten life. Unfamiliar people, unfamiliar surroundings, different rules, everything without the protective factor mom. The only question is who suffers more: mother or child. Children suffer most when they see their mother suffer. The kids rediscover themselves much faster than we parents want to admit. Key phrase: “It's still so small.” Kindergarten is not a children's paradise, but it is helpful.

With a (too) quick yes instead of a no, you may be able to avoid conflicts. Anyone who has not yet learned to resist runs the risk of being exploited or take a detour to get the truth. The psychologist Werner May has recognized: “With a yes you can drive through life like with the handbrake on. For example, when you say yes to a task, although you are not entirely behind it. "

Yes people have no problem always trying to please others. They don't like to contradict, often put personal needs aside, want to be popular and yet are not always welcome because they are perceived as boring and criticized with their adapted way of releasing harmony hormones. Werner May explains the crux of the matter: “Many say yes, although they would rather say no.” May has been working with the for 25 years Psychology of Saying No. “You have to learn to say no. You have to train it. " With no you set limits. The yes is limitless. This makes the early educational orientation all the more important: not strictly forbid children to say no or even threaten with punishment, even if our patience is sometimes badly strained. There is no alternative: if you want to prevail later, you have to be instructed early on to fight to prevail. And that works best in cooperation with the parents.

Learning to say no is a vital protection for your child

At a young age, the “no” only means Rejection, Up and resistance. So think today that this no, which has to be learned now, tomorrow - at the age of around ten years - will no longer be just a familiar one resistance, but then perhaps even a vital protection, a convincing and unmistakable one Defensive attitude towards strangers ...